my heart

University Hospital Anschutz is a campus I have frequented annually over the last 15 years. I recently met with my cardiosurgeon to discuss the results of my CTA heart scan, to determine the measurement of my aortic aneurysm. As I sat before him, I wondered — am I stable, or was there growth?

An aneurysm is akin to an expanding balloon, and precarious because of my family history. Sitting in this medical office is not emotionally easy. I am jolted into a reality which aligns with losing Tim and Dad, while facing my own mortality.

During this visit, my doctor was satisfied with how stable my aorta has been, and we talked for a while about various things.
Then he said, “See you next year!” and I was on my way. No surgery planned, no additional tests for now.

I stepped out into the sunshine again. I was relieved and glad, and at the same time, I grieve having to experience this, as I truly miss my brother and dad. I wish this was not our story.

Knowing we have a genetic flaw like an aneurysm is frightening, but I am grateful for medical technology, scans, and a wise surgeon who is equal parts insightful and confident.

Downstairs in the lobby of the inpatient building, they set up a Christmas tree — something to bring cheer, perhaps. The star was lit but I didn’t see the light during the daytime. I knew that all night the star would glow in the lobby.

As I returned to my car, I thought about how I have walked these hospital gardens in all four seasons over the years, through tears of loss, anger, and pain. There is always a plant, bush, or seedling growing, if I look for it.

Medical staff sit in the gardens for lunch, and families gather on a bench to discuss news or plan treatments or just take a moment away from the hospital. Sometimes the glory of springtime is delayed and the ordinary settles in now, and quiets for a winter season.

I rest in the moment of not knowing, not seeing what is ahead. I pray for peace, comfort, and hope in the midst of pain, grief, and the unknown. This advent season, God Is With Us. Emmanuel has come. If you are facing pain, fear, or loss right now, my heart is with you.